Future Stepmom No More

We called it quits after I found him cheating (according to him it was fake cheating to prove that I had trust issues and neither one of us could trust the other.) It was a childish game that he played knowing that this was going to be the result, (yes he said he knew a break up would be the result.)  I've moved back with my parents as of this past thursday and this will be my last post on this blog unless by some sort of grace he grows up.  I'm working on my faults though I have plans to work with therapy so I can become a better communicator, learn to forgive him eventually, and to work on my trust, jealousy, and anger issues.  I'm not perfect and I will never be perfect however I can still grow and mature just like anyone else.

I realized that i was always putting him first and somewhere along the way we both forgot who I was and I became the house cleaner and babysitter.  I have some short term goals and some long term goals set in place now for myself.  I want to get my jewelry business off the ground, publish a book, get my career going and live/work in Europe for at least a year before I consider settling down again.  I don't want to forget who I am again I didn't like the isolation it caused.  I worked too long and hard before now to get back on my feet, this is a set back that's all in the past few days since the break up I went from begging him to take me back to realizing that I'm stronger than that and I need to show it.  I wont put myself last again.

Arguements, Money, and Cleaning

I'm throwing in the towl, I'm not leaving him, but I'm done with his childish games.  We had another fight and he keeps telling me he wants me around but he never acts like he does.  So I talked about why I was upset with him and then we are going on day 3 or 4 now of him thinking about it and trying to find the right words.... he always says he needs to find the right words and then he forgets about it ignores what went on and we go on our merry little way... I'm tired of him not working things out but just leaving it up to gods to fix.  So from no on there will be no communication whatsoever.

I'm also taking back control of the money.  My boyfriend has no idea how to plan for the bills and make a budget and ends up over spending here and there leaving us with less money for groceries or lights.  I can't afford to pay the light bill next semester the money I have from my loans is going to gas so I can make the hour drive there and hour drive back. (To and from my apartment to the college I attend takes half a tank of gas.) Its also my final semester I can't afford to fail a class so I'm going to have to find a way to push my online business so I can make some extra money to put little dragon in part time daycare or find a babysitter who is free at the times I have class I have to have a full schedule and I'm not going to push a class or two to the spring just so we wont have to pay for daycare, that can't happen. I'm going to be job hunting again real soon.  I don't know if I'll get a work from home job or if I'll get a night job.  Having a night job will be rough.

On a much happier note I did something strange today.  I woke up and intended on making sugar cookies, no surprise there, the shocking part is that while they were in the oven baking I automatically started cleaning! I unloaded the dishwasher, reloaded it and then scrubbed my counters!  The really strange part... I enjoyed doing it!  I want to keep cleaning right now but I have two finals to finish for school.

Communication isn't the issue

I read today that communication isn't the main issue with relationships its perception.  So how am I to percieve being ignored?  The boyfriend and I can't have a conversation anymore because he either doesn't give a crap about what I'm saying because its not something he's interested in, or if I'm trying to talk about more serious matters he replies with an "I don't know." Or my personal fav. "We'll figure it out." (that one always comes with conversations about finances)  I'm already stressed and when he does this I get even more stressed out, then he yells at me to calm down and I ask him how I'm supposed to calm down and he tells me I jut need to relax......................right

For the second time I had to pay the light bill.  The first time it was my grant money for school (in other words what was supposed to be gas money to get me to and from school.)  This time it was the money I made from working at the renaissance festival aka the money that was going to pay my vet bill and some of my medical bill from when I almost broke my finger.  He thought he had till the 5th this time, I knew he didn't but he wouldn't listen to me... at 9:15am yesterday when I woke up and signed into facebook, as soon as the page loaded, our power was shut off.  He's also been continously late to work this week so he's been taking the car and he neglected to fill her up so the last $30 I had to my name from my pay check went to gas so I could drive to school this past wednesday.

Another thing that bothers me is he tells me to remind him on a daily basis things that need to get done right away... he has yet to take out the trash its only been over flowing since monday (his only house hold chore is to take out the damn trash how hard is that?)  He also discovered our left turn indicator wasn't working properly on sunday so I asked him to fix it on monday, tuesday, and then on wednesday so I didn't have to drive with a faulty tail light to school and back with little dragon in the car.  Well 30 minutes before he had to go to work on wednesday he finally takes a look at it (i had only asked him since 8am to do so, meaning he took three days and 3 hours before he finally looks at it.)  And then he come back in after all of a minute and says "I can't do it i don't have enough time to fix it before work."  and then leaves.  WHAT?!?!

So I make the hour drive to my parents' house and my dad helps me with the car, guess what??? The boyfriend said he needed tools to get into the light, he didn't, the bulb he had in the glove compartment was the wrong bulb, and it didn't need fixing at all.  He apparently bumped the light in the trunk when over stuffing it for faire and it came loose.

Its not a perception issue in this "family." Its also not a communication issue.  Its just down right arrogance.  The boyfriend feels he has to do nothing since he works...either that or he just doesn't give a shit.  I told him I'm done trying to talk to him.  And we slept in different beds again last night....my bed I've had since I was 12 is not as comfortable as it used to be...its rock hard and guess who didn't get a fucking wink of sleep last night.....and guess which one of us slept peacefully.  Now guess which one disturbed my "rest" this morning because he couldn't find his work badge because i had to clear off my bed so I could try to sleep.  He was going to be late so he took the car, the car I'm supposed to clean out today so we can go back to faire and take down the tent and bring it and the red wagon home....i haven't been able to clean out the car yet because he keeps being late to work this week.  Today he wouldn't have been late if he woke up more than 15  minutes till the time he had to be at the office.....

I'm not the happiest person in the world right now.  Our relationship isnt' a relationship, I'm just the roommate/house keeper/nanny/occasional fuck.  These past few weeks at faire our friends have asked why I'm in love with him, and I can't give an answer.  He isn't the guy I fell in love with, they are two completely different beings and the original seems to have disappeared completely.