Future Stepmom No More

We called it quits after I found him cheating (according to him it was fake cheating to prove that I had trust issues and neither one of us could trust the other.) It was a childish game that he played knowing that this was going to be the result, (yes he said he knew a break up would be the result.)  I've moved back with my parents as of this past thursday and this will be my last post on this blog unless by some sort of grace he grows up.  I'm working on my faults though I have plans to work with therapy so I can become a better communicator, learn to forgive him eventually, and to work on my trust, jealousy, and anger issues.  I'm not perfect and I will never be perfect however I can still grow and mature just like anyone else.

I realized that i was always putting him first and somewhere along the way we both forgot who I was and I became the house cleaner and babysitter.  I have some short term goals and some long term goals set in place now for myself.  I want to get my jewelry business off the ground, publish a book, get my career going and live/work in Europe for at least a year before I consider settling down again.  I don't want to forget who I am again I didn't like the isolation it caused.  I worked too long and hard before now to get back on my feet, this is a set back that's all in the past few days since the break up I went from begging him to take me back to realizing that I'm stronger than that and I need to show it.  I wont put myself last again.

Arguements, Money, and Cleaning

I'm throwing in the towl, I'm not leaving him, but I'm done with his childish games.  We had another fight and he keeps telling me he wants me around but he never acts like he does.  So I talked about why I was upset with him and then we are going on day 3 or 4 now of him thinking about it and trying to find the right words.... he always says he needs to find the right words and then he forgets about it ignores what went on and we go on our merry little way... I'm tired of him not working things out but just leaving it up to gods to fix.  So from no on there will be no communication whatsoever.

I'm also taking back control of the money.  My boyfriend has no idea how to plan for the bills and make a budget and ends up over spending here and there leaving us with less money for groceries or lights.  I can't afford to pay the light bill next semester the money I have from my loans is going to gas so I can make the hour drive there and hour drive back. (To and from my apartment to the college I attend takes half a tank of gas.) Its also my final semester I can't afford to fail a class so I'm going to have to find a way to push my online business so I can make some extra money to put little dragon in part time daycare or find a babysitter who is free at the times I have class I have to have a full schedule and I'm not going to push a class or two to the spring just so we wont have to pay for daycare, that can't happen. I'm going to be job hunting again real soon.  I don't know if I'll get a work from home job or if I'll get a night job.  Having a night job will be rough.

On a much happier note I did something strange today.  I woke up and intended on making sugar cookies, no surprise there, the shocking part is that while they were in the oven baking I automatically started cleaning! I unloaded the dishwasher, reloaded it and then scrubbed my counters!  The really strange part... I enjoyed doing it!  I want to keep cleaning right now but I have two finals to finish for school.

Communication isn't the issue

I read today that communication isn't the main issue with relationships its perception.  So how am I to percieve being ignored?  The boyfriend and I can't have a conversation anymore because he either doesn't give a crap about what I'm saying because its not something he's interested in, or if I'm trying to talk about more serious matters he replies with an "I don't know." Or my personal fav. "We'll figure it out." (that one always comes with conversations about finances)  I'm already stressed and when he does this I get even more stressed out, then he yells at me to calm down and I ask him how I'm supposed to calm down and he tells me I jut need to relax......................right

For the second time I had to pay the light bill.  The first time it was my grant money for school (in other words what was supposed to be gas money to get me to and from school.)  This time it was the money I made from working at the renaissance festival aka the money that was going to pay my vet bill and some of my medical bill from when I almost broke my finger.  He thought he had till the 5th this time, I knew he didn't but he wouldn't listen to me... at 9:15am yesterday when I woke up and signed into facebook, as soon as the page loaded, our power was shut off.  He's also been continously late to work this week so he's been taking the car and he neglected to fill her up so the last $30 I had to my name from my pay check went to gas so I could drive to school this past wednesday.

Another thing that bothers me is he tells me to remind him on a daily basis things that need to get done right away... he has yet to take out the trash its only been over flowing since monday (his only house hold chore is to take out the damn trash how hard is that?)  He also discovered our left turn indicator wasn't working properly on sunday so I asked him to fix it on monday, tuesday, and then on wednesday so I didn't have to drive with a faulty tail light to school and back with little dragon in the car.  Well 30 minutes before he had to go to work on wednesday he finally takes a look at it (i had only asked him since 8am to do so, meaning he took three days and 3 hours before he finally looks at it.)  And then he come back in after all of a minute and says "I can't do it i don't have enough time to fix it before work."  and then leaves.  WHAT?!?!

So I make the hour drive to my parents' house and my dad helps me with the car, guess what??? The boyfriend said he needed tools to get into the light, he didn't, the bulb he had in the glove compartment was the wrong bulb, and it didn't need fixing at all.  He apparently bumped the light in the trunk when over stuffing it for faire and it came loose.

Its not a perception issue in this "family." Its also not a communication issue.  Its just down right arrogance.  The boyfriend feels he has to do nothing since he works...either that or he just doesn't give a shit.  I told him I'm done trying to talk to him.  And we slept in different beds again last night....my bed I've had since I was 12 is not as comfortable as it used to be...its rock hard and guess who didn't get a fucking wink of sleep last night.....and guess which one of us slept peacefully.  Now guess which one disturbed my "rest" this morning because he couldn't find his work badge because i had to clear off my bed so I could try to sleep.  He was going to be late so he took the car, the car I'm supposed to clean out today so we can go back to faire and take down the tent and bring it and the red wagon home....i haven't been able to clean out the car yet because he keeps being late to work this week.  Today he wouldn't have been late if he woke up more than 15  minutes till the time he had to be at the office.....

I'm not the happiest person in the world right now.  Our relationship isnt' a relationship, I'm just the roommate/house keeper/nanny/occasional fuck.  These past few weeks at faire our friends have asked why I'm in love with him, and I can't give an answer.  He isn't the guy I fell in love with, they are two completely different beings and the original seems to have disappeared completely.

Band-aids and Castles

For now there's a band-aid on the "boo-boo" of my relationship.  We decided we needed to take a step back but so far we actually haven't taken a step back I don't know how to and I'm sure he doesn't know how either.  But we haven't split up we are right where we were already only we're not paying attention to the fact that this fight happened and are ignoring it.  I never really saw my parents work out their arguements I'm sure they did some how but as a kid I didn't see it and things were back to normal the next day.  Maybe issues were ignored who knows?  Maybe this way works for us, again who knows?

Apparently I am continuing my job at Penny's Magic Garden and keeping the job as Kettle Corn hawker manager... so I now hold two jobs at the renaissance faire.  Listening to a friend the other night tell us about the contracts and then the cost of purchasing a booth at the faires I'm not sure if we'll ever have the money to have our own shop.  :( not with the debt we're already in.

So what's a gal to do when we have no money but her hands want to be busy working on something? (My online classes have the quizzes blocked until tomorrow so I can't do homework, house work is so boring and my dishes are soaking currently, and my camera is missing still so I can't load pictures on to my online shop which hasn't sold anything since I re-opened...looking at moving to etsy.)  Well this gal decides to make her childhood dream come true as a test run for a toy for little dragon.  I always wanted a doll house and not a Barbie dollhouse but a real classic doll house.  I don't have any wood and can't afford a $300 kit to build my own so I'm left without an option... or so one would think.  I'm using two (maybe 3) old diaper boxes to build myself a doll house.  And if I'm any good at making minatures for my own dollhouse I'll spend around $20 to get a prebuilt castle dollhouse from Michaels.  (They don't have any regular dollhouses so no I still can't buy one for myself.) I figure in just a little while little dragon will be ready to play with slightly smaller toys (a friend of mine has a two year old that plays with a dollhouse already) so I can make him some knights, a king, and a few fantasy creatres (yes of course there will be a dragon!)  I'm supposed to spoil myself when boyfriend and I have a little extra cash because we never spoil ourselves he's going to buy skyrim and instead of spoiling myself I'm going to get that castle for the baby and spoil myself by spending time painting it and getting it ready for him.

I do however need to go and get fabrics for my hawkers, our boss accidently locked their hawker pouches up in his trailer last saturday so they had to borrow from our neighbor who makes and sells fairy wings.  I decided that this can't happen again and I hoped to have the pouches ready this weekend but I don't see that happening :(

Future Stepmom? Maybe not

The updates so far:

I am no longer working at Penny's Magic Garden at the Renaissance Festival instead I am now a hawker/campsite manager for Champion Concessions who pops the well loved Kettle Corn.  I was asked by my boyfriend's boss to fill in for a day while the regular hawker manager was out.  I was apparently so good at the job and by offering to wash dishes that hadn't been touched all week was a plus in getting me a job.  I work about 11 hours a day keeping track of inventory, picking up the campsite, telling my hawkers when they need to take a break, and now apparently doing dishes, all while watching little dragon.

Before this happened though our roommate who we took in to keep her from having to live homless threw everything back at us...more directly at me.  She decided to curse my boyfriend out when we asked her to pick up after her dogs who used little dragon's room as the potty area.  She then continued to vent about it on facebook painting my boyfriend and I to be horrible people for waking her up when she hasn't been sleeping well and had work later that day.  I responded by letting her know that the baby was more important since he was coming home from his grandparents soon, and that she should think twice before venting like that because we have been letting her live here rent free until she was financially back on her feet.  She then apparently called me a lazy fat ass for watching tv while little dragon was eating breakfast because according to her he was on the verge of crying... (the thing she forgets to calculate in here is that little dragon has a fake cry he does when he wants attention and that was the cry he was giving at breakfast, this is the cry we are to ignore until he does finish his food or he tells us he's all done.)  She says I complain too much the only thing i complained about other than a couple of cracked ribs from my corset (which happened only once) was her dogs using the baby's room to poop in.  She said I was just like little dragon's biological mother.  Needless to say she moved out, but supposedly she got the appartment she applied for and will be moving into her new place tomorrow.  Unfortuneately all of her belongings had to stay behind here at our place so I feel i shouldn't be present tomorrow when she comes to gather her things.

Then little dragon's biological mother posted on an old status update (thank you facebook for changing my settings yet again!) Telling me how her child ought to be raised (from when i took away his toys to break him of his temper tantrums.)  She wants him cuddled instead of disciplined.  She invited me to respond via private message so I did because she knew I didn't want any contact with her (she threw two violent fits towards me when i visited 2 different times when little dragon was littler.)  I told her she had no right to tell me how to raise my son because she was the one who left him when he was 4 months old.  I'm the one who has changed his dirty diapers, taught him how to walk, talk, sing, and sign a few words.  I'm the one who cuddles him at night when he's had a nightmare and so on.  I also tagged onto my message that if she contacted me again I would file harassment charges with the police.  She knew if she had any concerns she was supposed to speak to little dragon's father not me.

I'm in the process of dropping a college course due to all the stress of the last week making me sick again.
My business hasn't produced any sales so that kinda has me down too.

Now on top of everything else me and my boyfriend are having issues I don't know if he ever truly intended for us to end up together of if he was ever really considering marriage, if he was we just killed it.  Yay trust issues and lying!  I was packing my things to leave this morning but he wants us to take a step or many steps back and go from there.  When he left  for work this morning he asked how far back did I want to go and I told him it was up to him, he seems to know what he wants to do right now.  He then asked if I still wanted to be kissed (everymorning except yesterday due to the fight he kisses me goodbye.)  I quietly said I would like that, so he kissed me, I don't know if he noticed, but I cried when he did.  Can we get over this? maybe.

Of Cuddles and Routine

Little Dragon has been sick for weeks now and started vomiting last week he was ok on Sunday though heat and bumpy rides at faire on Saturday kept him sick.  He threw up again on monday and today he's ok but refusing to eat or drink much.  I finally got him to drink almost a cup and a half of watered down gatorade.  (The on-call nurse told us to keep him on a steady diet of liquids.)  He wouldn't drink it at the table, so I put him back to bed for a while then he woke up and I thought I'd try again and see if he wanted it.  He wouldn't take until I pulled him in my lap and held him like he was a new born again.  I'm going to hate it when he grows up.  With him being sick and having some motion sickness with this ear infection I have a friend making me a mei tai baby wrap with fabrics that are allowable for faire so I can stay pretty period while having a baby on my back.

Routine wise, we took Little dragon out of daycare last week, its just too expensive it costs more than our rent to keep him in there and we only need him looked after once a week on Wednesdays so I can go to school.  A friend of mine is watching him tomorrow because I can't miss this first test in Medieval Literature.  But with the little one back at home (not like he could go to daycare when he's sick anyhow) I'm falling back into the stay at home mom routine and I love it!  I don't know how my boyfriend will feel but I'm loving this stay at home mom gig.  I'm doing all the cleaning now so he doesn't have to worry about it, as well as looking after the baby, and doing homework.  I seriously love this job, I guess I was meant to be a mom and "wife" after all :)  I've already folded 2 loads of laundry and have another load in the washer and one in the dryer.  (Our tent flooded at faire so everything is wet and covered in mildew so I'm trying to make everything spotless including my friend's garb that was left in our car.)  I'm also looking at some of my mundane clothing ("Mundane" is the word us rennies use for you normal people lol)  and with a pull here and a scarf there it can be perfect for garb so you wont see me buying any more garb for a long while (blouses at least.)  One skirt I found can be garb and I'm making myself a second draw string skirt, and two over skirts.  I now have 3 blouses I can wear, a corset, 4 skirts, 2 over skirts, an apron, a pair of sandals, and a beautiful red velvet hooded cloak...earning me my 2nd faire name "Red Ridding Hood."  My first faire name is "Four Tails" because I wear a blue leather belt with 4 fox tails attached to it.  Now all I have to do is make some head pieces (Bought one for $10 and it's already lost some where at faire.)  Oh and I have to make Little dragon some more shirts and pants.  He has 3 shirts now, 2 short sleeve tunics, a long sleeve pirate shirt, and a full "fancy" pirate halloween costume for warmer weather, we didn't expect it to rain on us so we didn't pack it for sunday so I bought him the pirate shirt, and a little black cloak.

The family that plays together stays together!

This weekend was the opening of the Texas Renaissance Festival where me and my boyfriend work with a whole lot of our friends that are considered extended family so this year now that our little dragon is a year and a half old we took him with us... he loves camping!  He's also figured out he loves to climb into bed with mommy and daddy because people around the tent stay up too late having fun sometimes.  Its the rowdy crew of Kettle Corn and Davinci's Dots (dippin dots) that happens to be our extended family and the people staying up so late.  But little dragon climbed into bed between mommy and daddy (now I know how my parents feel when I'd climb into bed and push them out lol.)

Now we all went out to faire while we were sick too I may possibly have mono and have passed it to my boyfriend, and little dragon had his first ear infection.  On saturday it was so hot, so heat, ear infection, and apparently bumpy rides in the wagon caused him to vomit 4 times...all over my garb! (and his too)  It wasn't until after the 4th time my boss suggested it may be motion sickness because he wasn't used to the dirt path or cobblestone paths he was ok being pushed in the stroller or pulled in the wagon as long as it was on grass which happens to be the smoothest of terrain out of the three.  Once I took him out and had him walk for a bit he looked at me and demanded I pick him up.  He didn't want to walk at all but he didn't want to go back into the stroller either so I carried him on my hip for 2 hours around the faire grounds before returning to my shop and letting my boss know the issue seemed to be fixed.

Sunday it rained all day most of the rennies hate it but we understand that the drought is so bad we needed the rain so hardly any one complained about it.  (For those of you who don't know we had wild fires recently all over Texas and several of them surrounded the faire grounds yet the faire was not touched, thankfully.  more fires have started up around another faire me and the family work at so please seed protective and healing thoughts to Sherwood Forest Faire.)  The constant heavy down poor helped to keep the little one all cooled off.  And if I had to put him in the stroller we moved very slowly I would actually place one foot in front of the other in a straight line to keep the pace slow.

My job is to pass flyers out at the front gate for an hour after the cannon has gone off, so we got soaked really really soaked at the front so I let one of my co-workers at the massage therapy shop hold on to him and keep him warm while I ran from store to store trying to find anyone selling blankets and no one was so I went to a cloak shop where I bought him a long sleeve pirate shirt, and we both got cloaks.  His is a child's extra small and it still drags the ground even though he's tall for his age.  My new cloak is bright red velvet with embroidery on the edges.  At Sherwood in the spring I earned the name "four tails" because I wear 4 tails with my costume or "garb" as we call it...now I've earned a new name that is catching on really quickly... "little red ridding hood."  The baby got a lot of laughs from my coworkers when I got back to the shop with our cloaks and wrapped him up in his he fell asleep in my arms so I laid him down on an empty massage table (lucky kid lol premade bed!) and we all giggled over the fact that he looked like a miniature Dracula.  Btw the princess of the Transylvanian court "great great granddaughter" or something like that of Vlad the impaler (you have to love our different actors and actresses out there with all their characters) love love love him.  Everyone loves him but since they must stay in character as the princess is flirting with him, she tells her mother (the queen) that she wants another child, this time one with 3 legs... it was absolute fun, and Little Dragon loves her, he flirts the most with that princess lol.

Little dragon's daddy is also being a very sneaky man, very sneaky or so he thinks...I think?  He has a surprise in store and didn't want to purchase the corset I fell in love with because he wasn't sure how much this surprise is going to cost.  So I purchased my beloved corset of which we find out later the top is too big on me ugh.  It fit fine in the store oh well I still love and I will figure a way to make it fit.  My boyfriend then left me at the car for a while with the baby trying to let the baby sleep (our tent flooded because one of the windows wasn't zipped up all the way) and before he left he grabbed his best friend to get his opinion on the final product of this surprise.  I'm guessing because he hasn't purchased it yet whatever he is getting me he is getting it custom made... however what doesn't fit is my boyfriend doesn't ask for anyone's opinion on anything so why drag his best friend along?

Oh and I got my friend who came with us a job at the faire!  Yay so I was waiting on her to escort her back to camp last night when she accidentally pulled the wrong dress down from the wall trying to help her shop close up and I started crying at how beautiful it was,  They are going to track down the corset that goes with that dress so I can try the whole thing on together and they know how much I love the dress already so they are putting it off to the side for me for now so I can try it on later and see if I want to purchase it....its the most beautiful thing I have ever seen!